Dealing with Anger
Buddah said : Hatred can never cease by hatred. Hatred can only cease by love. This is an eternal love.
Angry actions tend to induce angry or defensive responses.
Anger has 3 components
- We perceive an object that we find unpleasant
- We exaggerate the perceived harm
- We develop a wish to harm
Anger leads to a harming mind which, if we want to make spiritual progress, we must abandon.
- First recognize the negative force of the anger
- Next look within to understand & eliminate the cause
Meditation can be used to generate a strong determination to abandon the mind of anger. Repeat a mantra such as "I will not give in to anger". It programs your mind to dealwith events that can trigger your anger & help develop a mind of patient acceptance. Life will always present irritations & suffering. Develop equanimity so that a calm wisdom rather than emotional extremes will inform our actions.
Make a point of apologizing when you lose your temper.
Remind yorself that it is not always your job to punish offensive behavior - karma will see to them. We can even challenge ourselves to feel compassion for those creating bad karma for themselves.
FORGIVENESS
- We can reach a point where the only way to get on with our life is to forgive & offer amnesty. To harbor resentment can make our mind too small for any joy in life. In some cases forgiveness is the ultimate act of love & compassion.
- Don't force it, wait until you are ready & that can take a lot of time & work.
- It may help to remember times when we have caused harm to others, acted selfishly & required forgiveness. Or maybe we need to face up to our responsibility in the conflict
WORKING WITH OUR THOUGHTS
We need to notice our thoughts, not go for a ride with them every time. When that happens we need to stop it.
5 options for dealing with disturbing thoughts
1. Dwell on the positive - remind ourselves of the positive qualities of a person, or their acts of kindness. Practice giving people the benefit of the doubt - maybe it isn't about us & we shouldn't be so quick to take offense
2. Consider the results of our thoughts - anger does more harm to you than to the object of your anger. Everytime you respond in anger, you condition yourself to respond in anger again. Ask yourself - what kind of mother did I want to grow nto? what kind of relationship did I want with my children? Do i want to add to their suffering?
3. Distract ourselves - be mindful of when we are paying inappropriate amounts of attention to negative emotions & stop yourself. Breathe deeply to ground yourself
4. Consider the alternatives - question your thinking. Thoughts come & go & often have very little to do with what actually is. Our mind creates our reality. Its up to us to decide how important we choose to make a disturbing event.
5. Use our willpower - be firm & tell yourself "enough" or "let go". Use meditation to to generate a strong determination to abandon the mind of anger.
What We Can Do
- Remember angry words & thoughts are bad for your karma
- Remember anger is a passing state, so don't empower it
- Be present with your anger without indulging it - be aware of its effects on your body
- Look inward for the causes of anger so you can eliminate them
- Use meditation to generate a strong determination to abandon the mind of anger
- Share some of your struggles with your children so they can learn from your mistakes
- Apologize to your children when you're in the wrong
- Inform your children when you are in a bad mood so they don't take it personally
- Consider forgiving those you are angry with if only for your own sake
- Remember the 5 options for dealign with unwholesome thoughts
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