The voices in my head made me do it.

Well Mister Scissors, we meet again!

I decided, for reasons best known to the voices in my head, to sew an apron this past weekend.

Why?

I have no idea why.

I saw a picture of one on the internet and then another (pinterest.com, it’s of the devil y’all) and that voice in my head that thinks I am Martha Stewart suddenly woke up. (you know, the one that convinced me to buy table clothes of actual cloth & matching napkins, the one that forgets just whose life I am actually living) The voice was fascinated by the aprons, especially the retro ones and had visions of me (taller, thinner) wearing an apron over my (adorable designer) clothing while cooking in my (much larger with nicer appliances) kitchen or standing out near the (in ground) pool serving drinks to friends on our (landscaped) lawn.

Yeah.

This voice has such a nice fantasy life going and I really hate having to bring it down to earth by pointing out the obvious flaws.

Not the least of which is – I have two aprons & never wear either of them.

But they aren’t cute retro smock aprons! There are no adorable ruffles, no fun patterns, no sweet little pockets!

Sweet  little pockets??? Who let this voice in anyway?

Then the cheapskate voice saw that these cute aprons cost anywhere from $25-40 and weighed in heavily against the whole idea and the crafty voice & the practical voice suggested I make one from fabric I already own, just find a pattern.

Except I am not sewing ruffles on anything. Ruffles are outside my comfort zone.

Sweet little pockets too.

The Martha voice was content I was making an apron so off I went to find a simple smock apron pattern. Something with the fewest fabric cuts possible.

Check out the lighting.

One 60 watt bulb in the middle of the ceiling.

Casting a shadow over the sewing machine, which still has not had it’s bulb replaced.

Step one, measure myself & compare their measurements. Upsize where needed.

Step two, find fabric. I have plenty from back in my pre child quilting days.

Then Martha thought the fabric was kind of thin & had the bright idea to make it reversible. (really Martha?)

Martha lives to make my life difficult.

Step three, barricade the office door. As much to keep myself in as the boys out.

Step four, trace pattern onto fabric

Yeah, I could barely see it either. Especially since the light was overhead and therefore I cast a shadow over everything I was trying to see unless I hunched at an awkward angle.

Step five, cut out pattern on both fabrics

Step six, pin them together, right sides facing

Hellz.  You see that darker purple fabric against the lighter?

You aren’t supposed to. If you flip it over there are spots where you can see the lighter fabric against the darker.

But I’m not letting you win that easy Mister Scissors!

I will TRIM the fabric where it doesn’t match! HA!

Then, after repinning the bejeezus out of the thing, sew it all together except for one skinny strap area.

Step,um, seven? Nine? thirteen B? – spend much time trying to pull the huge amount fabric inside out through the tiny opening you left unstitched. Remember you made the opening small because you will have to whip stitch it together with tiny invisible stitches which you can do well when you have lots of time & plenty of reserve patience, but you know full well most of that patience went out the window during the pinning, unpinning, repositioning, trimming and repinning that went on in the previous step.

Swear a bit until at last:

Iron hems flat, sew shoulder straps together, fit in back strap.

These all run together because they are hand stitching & I didn’t want to stop to take photos.

And tada!

A smock apron, or a sack with arm holes as the case may be.

From the back

And the reverse color

If I had a long skirt on I would look like a Victorian scullery maid.

A rather old & obviously very bad at her job scullery maid since any decent scullery maid would have been promoted to at least kitchen maid, if not cook, long ago by the time she was my age.

The apron is actually 8 inches longer than the pattern specifies because that was how long the fabric I had already was & I was unwilling to risk another tangle with Mister Scissors to trim it down.

Plus I have been known to burn my bare thighs on the open oven door in the summer.

Somehow I cannot see myself in this apron over my (adorable designer) clothing while cooking in my (much larger with nicer appliances) kitchen or standing out near the (in ground) pool serving drinks to friends on our (landscaped) lawn.

But I can see myself mopping the floor and making bread in it.

The Martha voice has a great idea for altering the pattern just a bit, to give it a little more shape, take out some of the extra material in the lower half of the back & maybe use the yellow & green fabric that were both too short for the original pattern, with the yellow on the bottom and the green for the bodice & shoulders & do the other side in a solid white & use this green/yellow batik fabric to make a faux belt on each side with ties in the back.

Bodice? Faux belt?

And she has it all worked out how to do it in my mind too. Though I am dubious because her reach always exceeds my grasp. That’s what makes her so dangerous and convincing. I did buy the table cloths after all. I actually went to 4 stores looking for the ‘right’ ones under her influence.

I’m thinking I need to have DH hide my cutting mat before I try & sew again.