Monday, January 04, 2010

Sleep 3 Insomnia 12

And those 3 had to be medicated.

Plus one of the insomnia nights was medicated. WTF? I pay $1.78 a pill and insomnia wins?

What is keeping me awake? Nothing in particular. Just a busy brain that won’t shut off until 4am or so. I free associate thoughts all night long. No particularly stressful thoughts, just an endless stream of consciousness.

Relax, relax and empty your mind, relax, drifting, nothing, calm mind, let it empty, like in that book Holy Cow, where she took the week long brain dump, I wonder if that would work, who would watch the kids if I went to it?, Brad would have to take the week off, and I’d have to fly probably. Hey! trying to sleep here, knock it off. Imagine relaxing, picture yourself in a soft bed, floating, drifting, what kind of sheets? white? what is sort of glaring, not really soothing, maybe warm cream colored sheets, flannel with a nice thick comforter, warm and relaxing and like hot chocolate, that was really good hot chocolate I made the other day with the Special Dark cocoa, i need to do a layout about it, I wonder what kit would go well with it? and what about that pot roast recipe, where did it come from? did I copy it or save it? AHEM! trying to sleep now! Drifting off, empty the mind, picture a warm dimly lit room, soft & comfortable. I wish I wasn’t allergic to wool. Wool looks so soft and comfortable but them I break out in hives if i touch it. pity my mom didn’t remember that. It’s a nice scarf but I can never wear it. I’d like to get some bamboo silk blend yarn & crochet a scarf, maybe a lime green or it could be a good knitting project. knitting, yeah, I don’t know, crochet just comes so much easier for me but if I practiced more then I suppose knitting would as well, what was that book I was looking at with the hats in it? Yo! Trying to sleep here!

and on and on and on all night long

Sometimes the anxious part of my brain tries to take over but the sensible conscious part of my brain, that wants to sleep but can’t, always seems to know when the anxious part is playing and smacks it down. Last night as a semi drifted off into a dream the anxious part decided to imagine “what if Havoc got hit by a truck while riding his bike?” but as soon as it happened in the dream the not yet asleep sensible conscious part of my brain flipped a switch and yelled KNOCK IT OFF at the anxious part before any emotions could kick in and panic me.

It’s not always that fast off the mark but it does fairly well at heading off panic attacks. I had a horrible night of anxiety last week. The dog kept whining & barking because she wanted out & then when she wanted back in she’d bang on the French doors. I’m in a semi drowse with anxiety hovering around looking for a way in and whining was it.

THERE MUST BE A HOMICIDAL AXE WIELDING MANIC IN THE LIVING ROOM

anxiety shouts. And before consciousness could get in “or the dog has to pee” the adrenaline kicked in and I spent the next hour laying there with this bi polar dialogue in my head while the sensible part tries to talk the anxious part down.

It’s just the dog

No it’s a maniac

Dog

Maniac, why else would I be panicking? I *know* it’s a maniac, that’s why I feel this way

It’s a dog and your imagination is causing you to feel this way

Oh my god there are two of them

The dog just wants in

What if he has a gun!!!!

Dog's can’t fire guns, they don’t have thumbs

The maniac!!!

You have a gun. Wake DH up & tell him what you think

No I can’t wake him up

*sigh* yes, much better to freak out alone

I’m doing yoga at night now and crocheting as a form of mindful meditation. I’m taking a Kava extract to relax me. I know I should just get up when I can’t sleep but I’m rarely actually awake. What I end up in is a sort of half awake doze, not quite asleep, but enough to be hopeful that if I just lay there I might sleep. But I never do and it is not at all restful.

My doctor suggested a sleep clinic if I can’t get the insomnia under control on my own. I’m not sure what my insurance thinks about it but as soon as my doc gets back from maternity leave I am going to ask her too look into it.

17 comments:

Chantal Miller said...

Oh no. I usually find committing all my thoughts to paper helps. Also try and see those thoughts to happy conclusion.

hth
Chantal

JO SOWERBY said...

i truly sympathise. i have suffered from insomnia fairly recently and it needed medication but i am off the tablets now. however the last couple of nights it's hit hard and 3am Friday night I was catching up on some iplayer Tv via the laptop! :( Eeveryone says horliccks, milky drinks and to be honest I've never found a g8 remedy unfortunately. I just hope this passes for you ASAP.
Much love Jo xxx

DawnMarch said...

You have that axe-wielding maniac at your house too? That guy really gets around. My mind plays those games on many nights too -- I hope yours will let you get some decent sleep soon!

Too Many Hats said...

Thank you so much for that. My dh suffers from this and I never quite understand it. I cannot imagine not getting a good night's sleep. I sleep like a log as the saying goes. I hope your insurance is all in for a sleep study/clinic.

Madge said...

i have been there so many times. i just gave up coffee again. every time i give up caffeine my sleep improves by a million...... don't know if you have tried that... i know you have a lot of stuff going on....

SciFi Dad said...

Jeez. I considered last night a "bad" sleep night because I didn't have caffeine after dinner and laid awake for close to two hours before falling asleep. (My normal is to actually have a can of soda after dinner while watching tv and then be asleep sometime around the point my head hits the pillow.)

Cheri said...

Wow, that sucks. I get the occasional night of insomnia here and there where the brain just won't shut off, but I can't imagine life with insomnia 12 out of 15 days. I'd be a walking zombie. Hope you find relief soon!

Creative Junkie said...

I have insomnia too but I know the cause of it - the 190 pounds of SNORE sleeping beside me.

I'm shocked, though, that my anxiety doesn't keep me awake at night. It prevents me from falling asleep for awhile but more often than not, provided Nate has a muzzle on, I'm able to catch a few good hours. But only a few.

I hope you get it figured out - and then tell me how it feel to get a good night's sleep. I have yet to experience it myself.

Nikki said...

I'm so sorry you're going through that! I hope you get some decent sleep very soon!

humel said...

Oh, you poor thing xx I struggle to get to sleep but not on this scale. Hope you can get it sorted xx

Heather Greenwood said...

Oh, I'm so sorry... hope you get a good night's sleep soon!

ChloƩ said...

Ugh!!! Sorry about all that!

Crystal said...

I have these same problems. I have tried sleeping medications before and nada, so I totally feel for you! I think in general is 3-4am before I fall aslee. :( I hope that you can some rest tonight or find something that helps you!

Traci Reed said...

ok so i'm a horrible person and was giggling at your inner dialogue. But I'm sorry you have to go through that :( Just remember that it's an axe wielding maniac dog with no thumbs and you should be good to go!! :)

Lizzie said...

Oh, poor you! Insomnia is no fun. I suffered from it for a while a couple of years ago (when I was particularly stressed and not very well).
Not sure what meds you are taking, but I wonder if you need to go back to your dr for an assessment/check-up? There may be another cause for this, which you need to get treated - even something as basic as a thyroid problem can cause insomnia etc. It can even be a symptom of depression (which you can suffer from even if you are not "feeling depressed"!). I would see the dr if you can... and I hope you soon feel better.

Aunt Becky said...

Insomnia SUCKS. I have it too and I finally seemed to have kicked it in the balls (for the past...couple days). It flared up again last night and will continue again until I get back from California.

I wish I could function without sleep. Truly, I do.

ChloƩ said...

Ugh!!! Sorry about all that!