This is from April 2008, but every word of it is still true today. ..except the part about Havoc not being able to read
I've been expecting this moment for years now. Ever since I was at my 13 week nuchal screen and my OB said "You want to know the sex?" and told me it was a boy, I have known it was coming & I have been dreading it.
I drove past a sign today that said "Cal Ripkin Baseball sign ups. Ages 5-12. Parks & Rec Dept". Havoc is 5.
Hell.
Saying "I hate little league baseball" does not begin to convey how I feel about little league baseball. I carry around a grudge the size of Wrigley Field toward little league baseball. It ruined my childhood, or at least the summers anyway. I *resent* little league baseball. Resent it with all the feeling a 10 year old who has just been told AGAIN that she can't have a party on her birthday because her brother has a game that day, can feel. Little league baseball was a blight on my life for a decade, from the time I was 8 until I left home at 18. It took priority over everything and I hated it. I still loathe & despise it. I realize that more than 20 years have passed since then & that I ought to be over it by now. But I am not and I have been very afraid of the day my son comes to me and says "Mom, my friends are going to play baseball & I want to too!"
I can't say no to him if he asks. I can't say 'sorry kid, mom has issues, no baseball for you.' because that really isn't fair to him. I can't let my problems keep him from trying something he might really enjoy. Oh but I want to. I really do not want to spend the next decade or so of my life at the mercy of baseball practice & baseball games. Not being able to plan a vacation this week or that because of playoffs. Having to say "Nope, can't do it then" over and over and over because of something I hate & resent doing. And I would have to say no to other activities. That's my real problem with it. I absolutely detest baseball (and really, most organized sports) because I understand that I am making a commitment by joining. I am committing to being there at every practice & every game & yes, that does mean the birthday party might have to be moved a couple days if there is a game that day. That is the meaning of commitment. You aren't just joining to play when it is convenient to you. I'm not ready to begin that obligation yet. Then there is the sheer boredom I find in the game itself. Oh my god baseball is boring! And you have to sit there in the hot sun on the folding chair you hopefully remembered to bring, drinking the fast warming water you also hopefully remembered to bring(there are no shaded fields with benches around here). And you can't read, you are ignoring the kids if you do that. Its rude. I can't get out of it with carpooling because I don't have a minivan or SUV & only have room for my own 2 kids in the back seat. I am doomed to being at each and every single practice & game. I'm not ready to face that. I may never be ready, but sooner or later I will have to because sooner or later the boys will want to. I'm hoping for later.
Right now I am in my avoidance phase of this issue. I've run through denial (I did not just see that sign) and ranting (See 2 paragraphs up) and blowing things out of proportion (Previous paragraph) and am now hoping to avoid the issue by not mentioning it. Havoc can't read & he has never expressed any interest in playing baseball (or soccer or anything else). I'm not sure if any of his classmates are signing up because I haven't spoken to any of their parents about it yet. I'm thinking they would mention it or their son would to mine & Havoc would then ask to play too. I'm not preventing him from playing, I'm just not helping him....
I realize that I am being childish, selfish & petty about this but really, if the child himself is not asking about it am I really doing a bad thing by not volunteering the information? I know I am just putting off the inevitable. If not baseball, then soccer, or basketball or god help me football. When the time comes I will accede to his request with grace & as much patience as I can muster. I will go to the games & the practices & I will not through my words or actions show just how very unhappy this might be making me. I might not express wild delight but I will not show despair either. If they enjoy it and they genuinely want to do it then I will support it. Hell, I might even come to like it myself. But I see no point in volunteering for my own potential martyrdom. I am not going to ask Havoc if he wants to play baseball this summer. But if he comes home saying "David says he's playing baseball this summer! Can I play too?" then I will suck it up and deal.
