Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Poorly Planned Advice

I’m sure if you have been in a store you have seen the recent issue of Cosmo with this headline


Of course my first thought was “Oh Cosmo, you masters of the blindingly obvious. Take his pants off?? Who would have thought that without you?”

But then I considered this piece of wisdom from a non-pithy headline, real world position.

You don’t want to take his pants off first.

First, take his shoes off. Or better yet, have him deal with the shoes before things get too steamy.

Think about it. 

If you go for the pants first, the shoes get in the way. Sneakers, loafers or god help you, work boots, do not slide easily through pants. Then you have pants tangled around shoes, which is useful if you are into restraint I suppose but gets in the way of your getting on to the ‘sexy strokes he’s been craving but won’t ask for"’

Does GQ run articles telling men these things about women? Or do they run articles like “Sexy strokes you should under NO CIRCUMSTANCES ask for. Let her guess what you want.”

Have you seen that dating site commercial where the woman is thinking about a romantic night & pictures banging her head on the guy’s head and him throwing his back out and furniture breaking as they land on it?

Going for the pants first sort of puts you in the same place.

You end up all hot & bothered dealing with pant legs tangled up and shoes trapped & really…nothing kills the mood like logistics. Everybody has to stop what they are doing & deal with getting the shoes & the pants off.

May as well take the socks off while you are down there too because seeing a man in a shirt, naked from the waist down, yet also wearing socks, is not sexy. It is rather goofy actually. Unfinished as it were.

So go for the shoes & socks first, it will make all the rest go much more smoothly.

“First, Take Off His Shoes” probably didn’t work well as a Cosmo headline. It’s either ridiculous or suggests a foot fetish and male feet are the one area of the human body that Cosmo rarely covers. Unless they have changed format in the 10 years since I have actually opened a magazine. 10 years ago, after over a dozen years of reading Cosmo I realized they only had about 15 sex articles that they just keep rehashing plus maybe a dozen make up & clothing articles & they just changed the adjectives - “Wide legged pants are in”, “Skinny legged pants are in”.

I can get a grande mocha for less than the cost of Cosmo and the mocha suits me better these days. I’ve gotten too sarcastic for Cosmo in my middle age.


Cheri said...

Stacey - this is CLASSIC! Thank you so much for my morning chuckle!

SciFi Dad said...

I thought Cosmo was written for teenaged girls.

Sara Strand said...

I get Cosmo delivered, and my husband ALWAYS gets excited. He'll flip through and be like, "HEY! What don't you try this?" and my answer is always, "Because you're too tired to care.It's more of a get in-get out job nowadays." Kills the mood. LOL> :)

ridgely johnson said...

You had me with the socks and the 'naked from the waist down.' I will also add in socks and totally naked. This advice also precludes a lady making a huge mistake if said male is wearing white socks and black shoes. ;-)

Jean said...

Wow, that cover is out there! They're not beating around the bush (so to speak).
For sure, shoes & socks should lead the way. :-)

Rinda1961 said...

Tee hee - what a great post.

Helena said...

As soon as you started talking about the socks, Business Time (by Flight of the Conchords) popped into my head. And it made my morning a million times better.

if you haven't seen it, here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU

Andrea Chamberlain said...

"...nothing kills the mood like logistics"

I LOVE THIS LINE. I love this whole post. I will never look as Cosmo again without analyzing the headlines now.

Carrie said...

Funny! I think I started and stopped reading Cosmo at age 23 - it just came across as an anti-women magazine to me. And now I see they have a Teen version - I'm worried. lol

Jenn said...

Love the post! I'm with you - I'm way too sarcastic for any of these magazines at my age.

I don't know if that is sad or a relief.

humel said...

Who needs to open the magazine if you can get all this just from a headline on the cover?!

Tess said...

I just have to say, oh my!

Diane said...

I'm so glad someone out there is telling me what to do. Okay, shoes and sox AND pants are off...now what?? Gotta go get next month's edition. Poor hubby's waiting!