The school PTO meeting was last night. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to go. I want to be an involved parent, etc. But I'm not really an 'involved' person. Ask anyone who's known me for more than 3 days and they'll tell you I am not a joiner. I'm perfectly willing to show up & help out but I'm just not good at large group dynamics. I don't do organizations in general, especially not organizations that expect me to go out and
harass annoy badger offer my friends opportunities to buy overpriced lovely gift wrap. I'd rather just give them the money directly. "Here's $50, which is more than I will ever raise. Take it & let's call it done for the season." I can't pretend to be enthusiastic about the gift wrap or any of the other junk in the catalog. I can't see how anyone is. Yet, there they are, just beaming with joy about a faux metal (ie plastic) plate stand that looks really big in the photograph but is, according to the measurements, not actually large enough to hold a saucer. I can't sell it. I just can't. I don't care if it's the done thing - you buy junk from me for my kid & I'll buy junk from you for your kid. I don't want to sell junk. I don't want to BUY junk. Here. Take the $10, keep the junk.
but I digress....
I'm not a joiner. I have a really hard time dealing with new people in large groups. OK. I have hard time dealing with new people in groups of 2 or more. I'm shy. Mostly because I am different & I know it. I am a 42 year old pagan, blogging mom who is not from around here. Judging by most other experiences & my former co-workers, I'm fairly confident I will be meeting Baptists in their late 20's who check their email occasionally & have all gone to school together since kindergarten. It’s a closed group. I’m the New Girl and the Weird New Girl at that. I’m no good at putting myself forward & introducing myself to people. It’s grade school all over again. Am I wearing the right thing? Do I look too desperate? too aloof? Is there anyone, anyone at all, that even seems vaguely familiar? Oh god what if there is and I can’t remember their name but they remember mine?
Plus the bonus of adult angst. Why do I care? I’m too old for this angst. I know better. There are others here who feel this way. Just relax, give it a chance. The MOPS thing worked out in the long run. You can do this. Oh god I look too desperate don’t I? I look aloof don’t I? I know her from somewhere, where? PANIC where? Who is she?
Then once you join a group you then have the interpersonal stuff to deal with. I ended up on a ‘side’ of an argument in the kids’ preschool without even being aware there was an argument or a side to be on simply because I only sort of knew one person & sat next to her.
Here’s the thing. I don’t give a rip who runs the bounce house concession at the fun fair or who organized the spring charity drive. I don’t know the backstory to this drama and I refuse to be told it. Tell me when to show up and where to stand and what to bring.
I’m a good soldier in the trenches, don’t drag me into the politics